yearn

I drove to Mesa with the AC off, which meant my car was hot as fuck, like a convection oven, as most Phoenicians would say. Something is truly wrong with me, because I don’t mind the feeling - in fact I’d say it brings me great pleasure. I associate summer with heat, and summer is my favorite season, so the convection oven feeling is PLEASURE.

During the drive I was listening to this band, Mossbreaker. Their music is reminiscent of the band Failure, with echoey vocals, an epic, space-y, shoegaze-y sound, and some traces of traditional pop music. I like the way they sound in my car with the windows down. I thought their vocalist was Ken Andrews from Failure, but I was mistaken - although they do have a song with him, and the frontman used to be their guitar tech.

With nobody to chat with I did a lot of thinking. I thought about emotional constipation - lately I’ve felt like I’m holding onto some level of emotions in a way that’s uncomfortable, like I need to have an outburst, but in a controlled manner. The opposite of constipation is diarrhea, but diarrhea isn’t comfortable either. Not a breakdown, just 15 minutes of calm release. Silent meditation, wet eyes, wet face.

But maybe that isn’t right. Sometime ago I said I was “creatively bankrupt.” But that’s not true, is it? I am still doing creative things, although it doesn’t come easily. Emotional constipation - but do I need to burst that badly? I could be trying to force a mood that isn’t there. It isn’t natural for summer anyway. You need to stay as hydrated as possible in this heat. I’ll save it all for winter.

When I arrived at the Rosetta Room I could hear the music from across the street, a sign of a good show. If I recall correctly, the last time I’ve been at the Rosetta Room was for a crazy lineup: Soul Blind, Downward, Split Chain, and Dream Fatigue. Awesome show, did I write about it before? I remember the vocalist for Downward being extremely nonchalant. Also, I like their song UGLY BUG. I went with Stacie and Phuong. At some point Stacie sat on the couches in the lounge area, and I bought a Soul Blind tank top. The demographics tonight were a little younger then last time, and everyone was dressed in that sort of the 90’s slacker aesthetic. Now, I have the flannels and the band tees and whatnot, but I saw a girl with shaggy red hair being lifted by the crowd, she was floating amongst the sea of hands and heads, and she was wearing a red tube top and green cargo pants held with a grommet belt. Some sort of grunge-y angel. I was happy because after the show she complimented me. I put her entire outfit on my wishlist.

Many bands were on the ticket that night: What is your name, Yearn, Ivory Daze, My Stuffed Rabbit, and headliner Asian Glow. When I walked in, My Stuffed Rabbit was playing. I found their music to be scratchy and unpredictable, somewhat uncomfortable for my ears due to the texture. They could certainly play and it was nonetheless unique. After they finished Emilio arrived, and I was happy to see him because I thought I’d be attending the show alone, which is fine but it’s always better with a friend. Emilio remarked that he has been “really, really” considering buying an e-drumkit, and he is also “really, really” considering buying a house, and I hope he really, really, really does both, because then he can join the band and we would have a house to practice in.

Ivory Daze went on next, I’d say they have the most straightforward sound of all the bands, in that there were not many weird effects (to my ears) or other oddities, just heavy layered guitars. The bass was skin crawling deep and had a nice groove. Also, the lead singer had gorgeous, long, curly hair and could actually sing, you could tell he was holding back as to not overpower the rock sound with legit crooning. They are from Lincoln, Nebraska. Who in Nebraska is doing it like them? I’m not sure!

The band I was looking forward to most was Yearn, and they were up next. I was especially entraced by their track walpurgis nacht, for one because the title is (presumbly; unless they celebrate the German holiday) a reference to Puella Magi Madoka Magic, secondly, because of how winding and floaty it sounds, which was clear in their live performance. Both bass guitarist and main guitarist sang in harmony, and the contrast between the bass guitarist’s delicate, feminine voice, and the main guitarist more “edgy” voice produced a sound that was both… hard and soft? Pleasantly conflicting. After their set, I scraped up some confidence and gave the main guitarist a fist bump, he looked very young and he apologized for the audio issues (which I hadn’t noticed).

The final acts were What is your name and Asian Glow. What is your name surprised me. I’d listened to their music a bit beforehand, but it sounded freshly different live - one of the band members played a saxophone, which I didn’t recall from my previous listens. They were promoted as a shoegaze act but to me they were a bit of everything: electronic, hip-hop, jazz, etc. Their music was eclectic and unpredictable, with long stretches of pure sound - crashing drums, swirling saxophones, controlled but chaotic guitars, while still being quite rhymatic, something you could clap along too. I was so entranced I didn’t even notice the point when the vocalist switched to Asian Glow - What is your name was also performing as his backing band. I’ve seen Asian Glow years ago, and I guess his music had changed since 2023, now it was more of a rock sound then the experimental electronic adjacent I recall, like the track Dorothee Thines. Still good, unfortunately I was feeling the fatigue and had to leave before he finished his set.

Yearn, can I say they make songs about yearning? I want u to know, silent, and from a distance, die 4 me… yes I suppose there’s a theme. At lunch Joyce brought up what she termed the crushter (crush + roster), and I didn’t realize I had enough crushes for it to be a crushter. It’s still Year of 6oyfriend, as Kobe has reminded me, and we are entering quarter 3. So. Should I be concerned that I have a crushter and unfulfilled, undone, completely untouched deliverables? Will I end the fiscal year without being physical? Are these occasional moments of mild yearning a sign of a deeper issue, unfulfillment with life, or myself? Hmm… nah. It’s totally human, and like, really, really chill.