I Have to Speak to Her

All I could think on the Amtrak that day was that I have to speak to her, Wendy Chun. I was on the way to St. Louis for a 48 hour excursion with my college friends. A woman was doing laps back in forth in the aisle. I found her repetitive movements amusing, the way she walked with the ferver and determination of a young child. Walk to the end of the row, pivot, walk to the other end, in predictable motions. I would never know what compelled her to move in this way. Similarly, our devices run repetitive, invisible processes beyond our control (daemons)… see how Dr. Chun’s words have infected my thoughts?

Somehow the train feels more infinite than a plane. The shape of a train is like a ray perputually extending in one direction, while the swirling landscapes outside the window resemble the blurring visuals that generate when you listen to music in the Windows Media Player app. It’s a 4 hour ride, but the endless blur makes me question the stretch of time - am I even moving at all?

My phone continues to be a questionable coping mechanism, filling in the gaps of anxiety that Wellbutrin cannot. My inclinations as a software engineer to control my world with algorithms remain, from my autosarcographic tendencies, to my tendency to infinitely scroll. Recently I have been browsing r/DatingOverThirty. Since I am not really dating myself, I’ve been living vicarously through the anecdotes of strangers. Not a great habit, because by the end of it I’m very annoyed. Does anyone else dislike the concept of multidating? As much as it’s presented as “keeping your options open,” it just seems to reduce people into commodities. I have seen a wild amount of reddit comments that go something like this: “Should I pick Girl A or Girl B? A is cool and tall, but B is really funny. Or maybe I should go with Girl C? She’s got long hair? Or maybe if I keep swiping, I’ll find Girl Z?” It’s like, do you even see these “options” as fully fledged human beings? Or just pixels on a screen? I blame Amazon Prime. You can buy whatever you want and get it in a day, even in hours. Nevermind the fact that workers in a factory have to build it, and workers at the warehouse that get 30 second bathroom breaks have to pack it up and put it in a box for the worker in the truck to rush and ship it in time to meet their quotas. All those systems are abstracted away, all you see is click and box at your door. It’s like that same logic has permeated into the dating culture. Chat, are we cooked? That’s another reason why I can’t bring myself to join a dating app. I have no desire to be commodity - you cannot Amazon Prime Erika to your bedroom!

I have to speak to Wendy because I need to truly understand this book. It is making me question the device in my hand - is it really just a “phone,” or a propaganda machine designed placate us poors while rich tech bros acquire wealth and plan their escape to Mars? One new word I learned is governmentality, Foucalt’s theory of power which is defined as “(an analysis of) “governmental” power through both the power states have over the population and the means by which subjects govern themselves.” My rough understanding of this concept is that, instead of governing by force and threats, modern governments function by guiding people to “behave” through positive means, emphasizing personal freedom, positioning the police force and prisons as “protectors” (not enforcers of the state), basically making people feel like they can do anything! The world is yours! But don’t forget to go to your 9-5pm, or else!! Which makes me wonder what will happen with the current obsession with Generative AI. If companies keep positioning GenAI as a tool to do anything, as something that can make humans more efficient (and even replace them entirely), how will the general populace cope? If people feel that this tool is a threat to their perceived freedoms, that they are being replaced by machine… then what?

Anyway, I’ve lost the plot - this is why I must speak to Wendy. The train ride did end eventually, and I’m still reading this silly book!