This is 25: Got my chin hairs zapped, three crushes (each going absolutely nowhere, which is probably for the best), graduated from therapy (sort of), reading bell hooks (have i ever known true love?)

I don’t know when it happened that I went from one barely discernable chin hair to a half-beard, but the situation was becoming untenable, so, like the other women in my family, I went for an electrolysis session and officially inaguarated myself into the world of electric ladies. Honestly, it wasn’t too bad. The practioner, Roz, was very friendly and knowledgable. She started with a method called galvanic electroysis but it kind of hurt so she switched to thermolysis. That still hurt, but I was able to tolerate it enough to start dozing off. She said she removed 160 hairs, which surprised me because I thought I had 15, maybe 20. I did quite like the results - my chin has never felt and looked so smooth - but if patriarchy wasn’t a thing, there’s no way I’d go through this on purpose. I mean, let’s be real, sending electric shocks to each and every hair follicle is a twisted (albiet, mild) form of torture. Anyway, I’ll be back for my next appointment in 2 week.

Thinking of electric ladies, I’ve been revisiting Janelle Monae’s most excellent album The Electric Lady, which is now in it’s teens (being 13 years old). I feel like this album is underrated because people liked the previous album, The ArchAndroid, better. I can understand why, The ArchAndroid is probably more experimental, but I think The Electric Lady is innovative in it’s own right, with it’s catchy R&B tunes and heavily Prince inspired sound. It also does a great job of continuing the story of Cindi Mayweather, Janelle Monae’s dsytopian Sci-Fi protagonist. The titular song, Electric Lady, has been on repeat for me. It’s a very energized song, the bass is super funky, and I like Solange’s backing vocals. Also the music video is fun - I mean do you see the fro (I should’ve pledged to a black sorority…)? I’ve been listening to this song for years and I still haven’t memorized the rap part. Shame!

Some other songs I’ve had on repeat:
Anesthetic/Return to Sender - MX LONELY

I’ve been really into this band, actually they came to Phoenix but I ended up skipping their show which is too bad. I like the “crunchy” (grunge-y?) layered guitars and the repetitive lyrics (especially when they say Can’t seem to find the anesthetic and return to sender!), it really does something for my brain.

Politix - Balu Brigada

I’m confident when I say that Balu Brigada is one Heat Waves style moment from blowing up. Politix has been stuck in my head for the last month. The lyrics are quite personal, the bass is super smooth and groovy, and the bridge is so catchy (I gave you every word that I put on this page… - that part).

Starry Eyes - Alex Isley

Thus far, Alex Isley has dropped the R&B album of the year. She’s an excellent song writer. Even the first line of the song makes me pause: Your kiss is so sweet but it blows in the wind… I don’t know who she has fallen for but when I listen to her music, for a moment, I feel exactly what she is feeling, and that’s a hard thing to do.

Sex - Quarters (F.K.A: Quarters of Change)

Maybe it’s a symptom of my own sordid thoughts that Sex is one of my top songs this month… but I’d like to think it’s just catchy, especially that beautiful bassline. Also, I have no idea with the vocalist is saying. I mean, he sounds good though. The breakdown at the end is, dare I say, orgasmic.

Thinking of Quarters, I saw them yesterday at the Crescent Ballroom. Cameron was nice enough to give me a free ticket. The lead singer looked like John Krasinski, he had ruffed up hair and was wearing this patterned button up shirt like he was about to go to The Office. He could sing, he sounded exactly like the recordings. At some point he gave his mic to a fan who started screaming every word at the top of her lungs, I thought this was so funny I almost died laughing, you go girl! The bassist was so cool, he kept swinging his guitar around and was overall very hype, I think for the duration of the show I fell in love, something about his hair and his general demeaner was appealing to me, of course, he looked similar to other men I’ve found, um, appealing, which is proof again that I do have a type…

I was talking to Joyce and Maya about one of my crushes, I’d say I have three currently, although I feel like crush is a childish word and I’m not losing my mind over anyone currently, but I don’t know what other word to use. Really, they are all people I should not be interesting in for a litany of completely valid reasons, but when my brain gets bored I need somehting to fill the space. It’s good motivation for me to get on the exercise bike, which I’ve been doing almost everyday. Gym, not so much, but I’ll return eventually, I’m sure. Anyway, I talked to Maya about this crush, which I thought might be inappropriate but she said it was fine. She recommeded that I “be a h*e, but safely. Build the smarts (to traverse any romantic situation) as you go.” I think she is right. I feel like it’s a good time to get my 2nd boyfriend (as in, I’ve only had one, and now I have none. Not that I want 2 boyfriends at the same time. Or maybe I do. Have you watched Challengers?), probably not the love of my life (the titular, yet elusive Erika’s Husband), but someone I can bring around while I’m living in Phoenix, like a nice accessory, someone to hold my things like a fancy purse. Joyce, I didn’t even tell about this crush, but she guessed correctly, which was hugely embarrasing and has me questioning my actions. Joyce, being a genius and acute observer of the human mind, dissected all the red flags of this crush, and I’m not as excited anymore, oh well. As for the other crushes, they are most certainly hopeless (distance, and the other one, I haven’t seen in months, which is basically years, I have no idea if he even lives here anymore? God bless him.)

I just finished reading bell hooks’s book All About Love, which is probably why all this nonsense about crushes has been swirling in my head. I’ve maybe talked about this book before, I can’t recall, but it is, as the title says, all about love, defining love, and specifying the importance of cultivating love in all aspects of life (not just romantic). There is an emphasis on cultivating a love of self, not just as a substitute for romantic love but as the highest love you can give any living being. In some ways I’ve done a good job of cultivating this sort of love, being that I’ve been on this unplanned self improvement journey, with the whole therapy thing, and picking up new hobbies, and investing in myself, and the changes have slowly reflected outwards and inwards, I look better (clearer skin? leaner?), feel better, etc. etc. People seem to think I’m cool, or interesting. But, sometimes I get stuck in the loop of comparison. I guess I mean to say, in a vacuum (the vacuum being my room) I can feel really good about myself, but once I go outside, or even scroll through the web, anywhere that I can find someone to compare myself to, this all evaporates. Which is to say, there is more work to be done on that aspect of love, because I don’t think it’s feasible that self-love can only be conjured in a vacuum, that’s not really self-love but just isolation. I wonder if my semi-boycott of social media (quitting Instagram and Twitter) was a way of moving away from a negative source of information, or a way of isolating myself so I can’t compare myself and make myself misreable? I don’t forsee myself going back on social media again, but I do need to reflect. I’ve been able to reduce my therapy sessions from once a week to every other week, so I’ve sort of graduated, but still there is work to do…