random weekend in my so called life

It was silly but I felt a bit upset last week. On Thursday, I had to cancel my bass lessons because of work. I was upset at myself for allegedly falling behind. How can I become a good bassist without practicing? This negativity I conjure up as a means of motivation is a bad habit I’ve been trying to break. I am learning how to walk the path which means letting the path go where the path must go, not the way I think it goes. Yes, I had to skip my bass lessons. It’s just a fork in the road, not a final determination of my skills. I have to say this to myself many times in order to accept it.

I talked with Kobe after work which cheered me up. One thing we discussed was algorithms. 2026 is the year of algorithms taking over the world. The screen and the swarm of data, the chatbots with their soothing pseudo-therapeutic words, the instantaneous change of emotions at the gesture of a swipe. The little rectangle in my hand is not God, no, but it’s purpose is to give me the feeling of divinity, as if I have control over a world in my palms. I’ve been reading this book, Programmed Visions by Wendy Hui Kyong Chun. She describes the way we interact with digital interfaces as an illusion of control called direct manipulation. When we touch the icon on the screen, the app opens. Thus, fostering the feeling “mastery” or “competence” over some task. The same feeling evoked when I figure out why my laptop is freezing (restart) or why the app won’t open (restart) or why the internet isn’t working (restart). The same feeling of control that compels us to participate in the system of capitalism: _ Direct manipulation is thus part of the “ new spirit of capitalism ” that the French sociologists Luc Boltanski and Eve Chiapello outline in their book of the same title. This new spirit of capitalism fosters commitment and enthusiasm — emotions not guaranteed by pay or working under duress — through management techniques that stress “ versatility, job flexibility, and the ability to learn and adapt to new duties. ”_ Nobody is forcing us to work, we just have this idea in our heads that’s it worth it, that we can gain something from it, that it brings about (mostly) positive feelings. Work life balance! Learn to code! Something tells me this is not God’s design, but I’m too busy in the screen to know what’s true.

The weekend continued on, and not as planned. After I talked to Kobe I ended up in some work calls and went to bed late. The next morning I was dragging my brain around with a thread trying to function. Of course, everything still got done. Maya and Joyce came over that night for our study session. I worked on my poetry notebook, which is supposed to be a compendium of notes from some poetry craft books I’ve read. Right now I’m working on transferring information from Paisley Rekdal’s Real Toads, Imaginary Gardens: On Reading and Writing Poetry Forensically and James Longenbach’s The Art of the Poetic Line (both great reads for anyone with an interest in poetics). Maya mentioned that one of her friend’s is trying dating apps for the first time. She matched with a guy that has the face of a heartbreaker. We all know what’s coming and can only pray for her because she is naive to the reality of the f*ckboy. Maya asked the both of us if we had any relationship tea and neither of us did. I thought of my conversation with Kobe. I did tell her I would never use a dating app again. Maybe my whole life will be trapped in algortimns, maybe my retinas will burn away from the constant stream of lights, maybe I’ll be trapped in the cage of the phone forever, maybe I’ll never have juicy boy drama to discuss with Maya, but a partner, I will choose myself.

The dull procedure of notetaking and glueing snippets of poems, along with the exuberant energy of the “trifecta” (Joyce, Maya, Me!) was uplifting. Perhaps I should not take these moments for granted.

Saturday I hung out with Johnny and his friend at the Uptown Farmer’s Market. I liked that it was a little hot outside, it reminded me of summer. I bought a birthday gift for Alexandria and had some vanilla sherbet. I would have had some of the other good smelling food, but I’m still on that whole no-chewing diet that the oral surgeon prescribed. I tried this blueberry banana bread that was so good and made me forget about what I can’t eat.

Ravyn Lanae’s performance at Ostrich Fest was later. I was running late, as usual I was running late and why is that always the case? Some form of time-blindness that has traveled generations through these Nigerian genes. She looked beautiful on stage wearing this office siren style outfit, and sounded sweet and angelic. I missed most of her songs but I at least heard Love is Blind and Genius and of course Love me Not, in which dozens of teenagers rushed to the field to sing along. After her performance the guitarist did a long solo that was quite dynamic and fun, I was very impressed! I was sad I missed most of the set but I at least heard something (I am still learning to accept the divergences in the path), and I had some spare time to wander around the festival, people watch, eat cotton candy, and people watch. There were a lot of couples holding hands and blinding red lights from the rides. A man shouted at me “YOU! Look like you want to win a giant teddy bear!” And he was right, I did want a giant teddy bear, but I didn’t feel like spending $100+ to win one that night.

I spent a lot of time with Paula and Joyce Sunday, hanging out at a coffee shop downtown and going to Karina’s goodbye dinner. I suspect that they noticed my somewhat somber mood as I kept walking oddly slow. Yes, I couldn’t 100% shake the feeling that my weekend wasn’t going as planned. But there were things I enjoyed that weekend and really, upon reviewing all these events and writing this post, I am grateful. Yes, actually, it was a very good weekend.